SUBSTITUTE TEACHER

The Morning Report on Game 5, filed by Manager Emeritus, Ron "Crazy Pants" Goldwyn:

We got raked over in this one, 11-4, and it was our own rake. The sun shone bright o'er our sloppy Belmont home, but the Belmont stakes were strictly for the mudders. Brian Donlen and Tom Hickey were the MPPs, the mud-puddle plowmen who devoted their pregame warmup time to sweeping and raking sludge from home plate, near second, and the third base swamp. Others assisted, and the rake was supplied by sub-sub-skip Ronaldo. Donlen showed his no-warmup chops with three hits and an rbi in our not-quite-comeback 5th inning rally. George Miller hit a three-run-something to RIGHT field in the first inning - there was a slogjam down at third base before a wild throw allowed laggards, coach-heeders and head-down barrellers to score. ChrisYasiejko pitched a solid CG, Mike Galan played a terrific third base, tying a world's record with three assists on three tough ground balls in the scoreless fourth.Two hits each for Rakeup Hickey, Dapper Dan Rubin and the estimable BJ Clark, plus three solid smacks by newcomer Julie Dugan -- all of which showcased the sadly excellent fielding skills of the Bishopric Eleven and a half. (Foe-skip Denise Schmalbach developed a 21st century childcare system by handing off her lil darlin during each at-bat to various nurturing teammates, and virtually attracting DHS casemonitoring by reaching base in the second and eschewing her kid). We were in it, until we weren't. A three-run deficit turned to seven in the final frame. But the turning point was bringing that rake, and thereby eliminatingthe possibility of a mudshine postponement. And seriously folks, the Collarallos were superb in thefield, proving out the old CCSL maxim, make the easy plays and you win. Our playas - Hickey, Rubin, Donlen, Miller, Clark, John Hall, Kerry O'Connor, Yasiejko, Dugan, Galan,Tom DiNardo dh, Ellen Kenney keeping most of the pitches out of the slop. Ed, you'll get a swing tonight, so please come out smokin'. Injured reserve -- Brennan (who almost showed up too late to be injured) and Goldwyn (who was rewarded for full participation with a Miller smash off the shin in 3b coaching box). And this time, actual beer, including a craft-forged aluminum can of some kind of ale. We do it again Tuesday on one of those Dairy fields -Bob will supply the magic number (2 or 4). If the weather outside is frightful, Ford in absentia will be insightful, relaying whatever the heck sub-sub-skiptells him to. We play the Art Museum, a credible club that has drawn a 1-3 mark. And heads-up -- no game next week because of Memorial Day scheduling limitations (that's why we were scheduled to play two this week).

Whew. Thanks, Ron for that report.

SWING AND A MISS

It was deja-p.u. on Edgeley 8 as the undefeated Franklin Institute remained undefeated with an 8-3 win over the regrettably inept offensive display of our own Pen & Pencil. Veteran observers and those with excellent memories will recall that the P&P was eliminated from the playoffs last season by these same Institutionalists by a score of 8-2.

What is it with these guys, anyway?

It was a kind of freakily similar experience. For instance, freaky fans, in the semifinal elimiation last season, Franklin had just 13 hits, compared to 10 for the P&Pers. This time, FI had 15 hits, and we had 12. Now, any reasonable observer would be surprised by these numbers, since the game, like, didn't seem that close.

Nevertheless, true. Last year, we were outscored 2-1 after the third inning, which is seriously flaccid production in slow-pitch softball. This time, we were outscored 3-1 after the third inning.

I can't explain any of this, although if you score 2 or 3 runs in a game, you lose. That part, I can explain.

Anyway, good defense on our part and a decent showing in that

regard. FI had not scored fewer than 16 runs in a game before Tuesday. On the other side of the ledger, however, not so good. We left nine runners on base and couldn't get a big inning going. We didn't get more than six to the plate in any inning, which, frankly, sucks.

We did have some good hitting from some folks. George Miller was 3-for-3, and Mark Nevins, Dan Rubin, Ryan Donell and BJ Clark had two hits each. The rest of us were 1-for-17. Yow. Tom Hickey was robbed by the shortstop on the first at-bat of the game, which served as something of an omen.

As usual, Franklin caught the ball well, which is kind of unfair and didn't beat themselves. We'll see them again.

NEAR REVENGE OF THE DUNG BEETLE

When we trailed 4-1 after two innings, I have to confess to a bit of nervousness. There didn't seem to be that P&P killer spirit. Maybe it was Cinco de Mayo, I don't know. But, seriously, the Academy of Natural Sciences Dung Beetles were on a one-game winning streak and one had to wonder. Admittedly, it was the only game they had won since 2006, but still.
Fortunately, the softball world righted itself in the home half of the third inning, when the mightly Pen & Pencil sent 17 to the plate, scored 12 runs and took control of what would become an 18-9 win over the DB's.
A nitpicker would pick at the fact that we scored a total of six runs in the five other at-bats, but, as we like to say so often, whatever. Viva Tecate, Viva Escriba y Lapiz. Oy.
Hitting stars of the day included Tom Hickey (4-for-5), Brian Donlen (3-for-4) and a big bunch with two hits each. Coming off the bench to put the win away were Tom DiNardo, John Hall and George Miller. Chris Yasiejko went the distance for the win. Chris Brennan wrestled first base into absolute submission.
A big Pen & Pencil howdy to Julie Dugan, who played her first game on the roster and didn't run screaming from the entire scene. That will come later.

COME AGAIN ANOTHER DAY

Too much humidity forced postponement of Monday's game versus South Philly Tap Room. The game has tentatively been rescheduled for Tues., June 24. In another minor scheduling note, our game with Franklin Institute scheduled for Mon., May 12 has been moved to Tues., May 13. with a field change to Edgeley 8. Please make a note of the alterations on the pocket schedule which you are required, as you know, to keep in your wallet, purse, manbag, secret moneybelt, garter or hatband at all times. Get your running in and prepare for the Academy of Natural Sciences on Monday. ANS, please note, just won its first game in two years, beating our friends from the National Constitution Center 17-0 on Tuesday. As Roger Daltrey said, "Can't Explain."

PRIMARILY, A WIN

Well, we were all a little worried by the thinning of the roster ranks due to election-related duties of our Very Important Players. We knew that BJ would be able to make it, since his work didn't really begin until Tuesday night when he would answer questions from Guv like, "Dammit, are we blue or red? I can never remember?" But there were a few other notable defections and, well, we were playing the National Constitution Center, which seemed a little too coincidental. Fortunately, however, truth, justice and the Pen & Pencil softball team were still able to prevail Monday evening on scenic Edgeley 4.

Prevail might be a bit of an understatement for the 26-5 final score, which the NCC bunch took with fairly good humor, even insisting we play the seventh inning despite encroaching darkness and an 18-run deficit. It should be noted that despite the Election Eve situation, we were able to put a very representative team on the field, including the General Manager who skipped an open bar at a reception for national journalists that was -- get this -- sponsored by our very own club, of which he is, at last look, the president. "It's OK, Ron's there," he said. Oh, well, in that case.

Details, more than a few, but not too few to mention. We had Tom DiNardo stopping by between trips to Tuscany to turn in a 5-for-5 night, with four runs scored. That wasn't bad. We had John Hall, coming back from injury and car crash to go 4-for-5 with a home run, four runs scored, and the out he made was probably the best ball he hit, a smoking deep liner that would have killed the fielder if his glove hadn't gotten in the way. We had George Miller going 4-for-5 with, I think, six runs batted in (scorebook's a little fuzzy in spots). We had Tom Hickey leading a parade with three hits. Hickey had two home runs before leaving for the airport. Three hits also for winning pitcher Mike Galan, Kathy Matheson and DH Ed Cascarella.

Brian Donlen was a spectacular 2-for-2 with a pair of triples, but was tripped up by the nasty necessity of actually having to run the bases after hitting the ball. He yanked a hammie on the first trot and aggravated it on the second, requiring Clark to step into the shortstop role, which was interesting, and best left undetailed. In summation, it was 26 runs, 35-for-55 batting, pretty good fielding and a great win for the forces of good.

The forces of good are now 2-0 and heading into the meat of the schedule -- with a lovely side of creamed broccoli -- and looking forward to welcoming back all our process-mad public servants, who probably missed us, too.

EXTRA SATISFYING

Seven innings just weren't enough to contain all the fun at the season opener for the Pen & Pencil. No, it took an extra frame -- inning to those of you not "hip" to the lingo -- to clean the cages of the Philadelphia Zoo, 11-10.

Hero of the day was catcher Ellen Kenney with three hits in four trips to the plate, but none bigger than the eighth-inning infield single that scored Kathy Matheson with the winning run in the deep gloaming of the Belmont Plateau. Matheson, two-for-four with a pair of runs scored on the day, led off the final rally with a base hit of her own.

It was an improbable comeback effort for the P&P, which trailed 10-4 with one on and two out in the bottom of the sixth. The team had been distracted to this point by the strafing gunfire emanating from a dogfight between a Fokker aircraft and a small helicopter in shallow right field.

Down to its final four outs, the Red Menace got six straight hits in the sixth to narrow the score to 10-9, then tied the game in the bottom of the seventh when Brian "I Am Running" Donlen tripled with one out and scored -- at least in our opinion -- on a sacrifice fly by B.J. Clark. Donlen barely beat the throw and, this being the Center City Softball League, was allowed to call himself safe.

The Zoo went up and down again in the top of the eighth behind the stellar relief pitching of Chris Yasiejko, who recorded the first win of the season, retiring the last seven batters he faced and allowing just four runs in five innings pitched. If it weren't for some of our typical goofy stuff in the field, they wouldn't have scored that many.

From the scorebook, kept perfectly by Knees Emeritus Ron Goldwyn, it says that Donlen, Kenney, Mike Galan and Bob Ford had three hits each, George Miller, Tom Hickey, Chris Brennan (2-for-2!) and Matheson had two hits each.

A hearty Pen & Pencil welcome to newcomers Hickey and Ryan Donnell. It would be a slightly heartier welcome if Hickey had not told management that he could play anywhere, later to inform management after a switch to the outfield that he couldn't "see the ball until it gets there," having forgotten, apparently, that he now wears glasses. Donnell won the Patty-Pat Koslowski Award for quickest injury of the season, yanking a hamstring following a sharp single in his first plate appearance. Two more exceptional additions to the roster by the general manager, who continues to recruit only in the club after 1 a.m.

Get your running in. Nevins won't be back next week, either, something about a "bitter" election, so we've got a shot at a winning streak.

DAWN OF A NEW DAY

Yes, it's that time. The scorebook, and the loss column, is virginal. There is the possibility of great things. Fourteen games are on schedule and I don't see what can go wrong this time. (Oh, I suppose Marcus could move back from Richmond and bring Nolan with him, but let's accentuate the positive, shall we?)
Whatever happens between the lines, we will still have a lot of laughs, drink a bunch of beer and lead the league in both those categories, as always. It is another spring and we are still playing softball. There are times to come when we will wish for this moment. So enjoy it while it's here.
See you Monday.