NEW GAL IN TOWN

Many of you have expressed concern that, having lost Shelly B. Hayes and Lindsey B. Wanyo within the span of a year, the Pen & Pencil team was going to be a little light in its distaff loafers this season. We retain the services of Ellen Kenney and Kathy "Big Pink Machine" Matheson, but what if one of them can't make it? What if there is injury? Pestilence? Flood?

Last year, a number of talented young ladies took part before the campaign was finished. We have reached out to some of them, to Patty-Pat Koslowski and Carolyn Davis and Christine Ollie and, of course, to Kelly Sapp. The response has not been overwhelming.

But, lo, in our hour of darkness, in our time of need, we have been blessed to sign free-agent Rona Goldloss, new to the area, apparently, and new to the gender as well. Who knew that hip replacement entailed a knife this sharp?

The bio that comes with the player indicates that Rona can pitch and play several infield positions. She knows her way around the batting cage and can keep a mean score as well.

From the standpoint of The Management, Rona is an answer to our prayers. I can't wait to write her name in black Flair on the official lineup sheet and hang her on the fence with my handy S-hook.

I know that all of you join me in welcoming Rona to the team, even though she apparently changes teams quite often. As long as she keeps her pants on this time, everything will be fine.

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS MIGHT END UP ON A BLOG VIEWED BY ANY OF SIX BILLION PEOPLE ON EARTH

All right, I was just going to write some funny, meaningless crap (my specialty) about the Pen & Pencil softball team training seriously for upcoming season. And most of you know exactly how seriously we train. But then, after getting the photo of BJ having a quaff in front of some nude Roman dude -- left-handed quaff! -- I am sent by unknown sources the picture of general manager Chris Brennan having a similar libation with a similar lack of cares in the world.

Now, I have to tell you. BJ is one thing. No one expects much more from Mr.I'm-Dating-A-16-Year-Old. Honestly, if he just stays out of jail, brushes all the crumbs off the Guv's tits and gets one stinking hit this season, we're fine with BJ. He's good company and makes the rest of us look like successes.

But Brennan? Oh, no. This won't stand. The last time I spoke to him, our general manager said he was doing the heavy lifting in regards to getting the roster in order. He did not mention that the heavy lifting involved a 24-ounce can of Foster's. (By the way, I have been to Australia, and Foster's is not Australian for beer. It is Australian for piss. Foster's is like Blatz in Australia. They fucking laugh at you if you drink it. Good marketing department, though.)

Anyway, the brand of beer is not the issue. The dedication to improving the team for the coming season is the issue. I ask you, is this man thinking about the batting order? No, he is not. He is thinking about something else, and this just won't do. I would invite all team members with similar concerns to call the general manager and, if he is conscious, ask what he has done lately to make ours a better softball team. You might not like the answer.

Hope the rest of you are in better training. The management just returned from a hard weekend of training in Tampa and -- special event alert for all team members! -- will be speaking to leftfielder George Miller's journalism class at Temple on Wednesday. Space is limited, of course, but George says that all roster members will be accomodated on a first-come, first-served basis. The subject of the lecture will be, "The Internet: Journalist Boon or Misbegotten Moon." Don't miss it.

PRACTICE MAKES PUDDING

The 2008 Pen & Pencil softball season, or at least the high-level preparation phase of it, began Saturday on windswept Belmont Plateau with 12 practicing participants.

General manager Chris Brennan noted that this turnout represented a team record for the first practice of the season, breaking the old mark by 11.

The regular season begins in a month, mid-April, and there is still plenty of time to work out the kinks from the long offseason. It is getting kind of late to work off those Doritos, but better late than never. Brennan is finalizing his roster decisions, offering free-agent contracts, talking trades, working the phones, looking ahead to the college draft and so forth. Thus far, his recruiting has all been done after midnight at the club, and the results have not been as promising as hoped, But, once again, plenty of time.

On hand for the opening practice were: Mike Galan, Ellen Kenney, Kathy Matheson, Brennan, The Management, Brian Donlen, B.J. "I'm Dating a 23-year-old" Clark, Tom from the Club, Kerry O'Connor, Kerry's friend Greg, Dan Rubin and Tom DiNardo. Due to a stiff breeze blowing in from centerfield -- at least this is the handiest excuse -- hitting was a little difficult. Fielding was difficult, too, as was baserunning. Man, that was some wind.

Anyway, there will be more practices before the season. Those unable to make it Saturday will have plenty of opportunity to get their swings in. This included Nevins, who was at a wedding Saturday, probably doing the chicken dance flat on his back by the time we met for practice. Maybe even the hokey-pokey.